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 TEENAGERS
Rude teenagers! Poor grades! Talking back! Out of control teens!
The teen years may be challenging but teens are also funny, interesting, caring, loving, and committed people! When parents understand behaviors that are part of the normal process of growing up, they don’t have to be alarmed, ashamed, hurt, embarrassed, threatened, or shocked.
It is NORMAL for teens to:
- Spend lots of time with friends.
- Desire independence and freedom.
- Feel invincible.
- Have opinions that are different from parents.
- Challenge rules because they see exceptions and extenuating circumstances.
- Experience intense emotions and mood swings.
- Appreciate more privacy.
Teens are getting ready to leave home. That is a tough job. During these few years teenagers are learning to become independent, become problem solvers, and become comfortable with themselves.
Parents also have a tough job. They are trying to understand teens and to help them become mature adults. It is helpful to remember that teens are in process. They are not who they will be as adults. A lot of learning is still taking place. These years are the training ground for mature adult characteristics. Tension is eased when parents merely understand the changing behaviors of teenagers.
When parents realize that both teenager and parent have tough jobs, they can be gentler on themselves – and their teens. A Let’s Talk Teens group can be a great place to discover what’s normal for teens, and to receive support in our job as a parent.
Try this...
BE TOGETHER… NOT TO TALK
Kids, especially teenagers, don’t always want to “talk” when you’re together. Here are a few ideas for having fun together that don’t require (much) talking!
· Sit in the same room with your child and watch him/her play a video game… but not talk.
· Stop by a coffee shop for an iced latte… not to talk.
· Go to a used car lot and just look at the cars… not to talk.
· Deliver a glass of chocolate milk to your child’s room at homework time … not to talk.
· Have a jigsaw puzzle out in your family room… not to talk.
· Pull your child out of school for lunch… not to talk.
· Look through old family photo albums… not to talk.
· Make cookies… not to talk.
· Go to a movie together at a far away theater so your teen won’t be embarrassed to be seen with you… not to talk.
And if you do talk, try one good question...
GOOD QUESTIONS
Try some of these questions to open up your child’s mind to think creatively, and search for their own unique path to success and fulfillment!
Where can you picture yourself living in 5 years?
What is more important to you than money and success?
What would an ideal workday look like to you?
Who do we know that has a job you think is cool?
How would you know if you had found the right career for yourself?
What are the last three compliments you’ve received?
What would you do if you could not fail, and money didn’t matter?
What do you want to know that you don’t know today?
What’s one thing you learned new this week/month/summer?
What jobs sound exhilarating to you?
What things will you balance in your life?
When you are ninety-five years old, what will you want to say about your life?
Where have you seen a glimpse of excellence in your life?
What pain do you notice in people around you?
What are three times in your life when you felt “on purpose” and felt like what you were doing was just right?
What was energizing to you this week?
What is one thing you do which makes you so involved that you lose all track of time?
After asking a question, it's important to listen...
THE POWER OF ‘UM’
Um, Oh, Really, Wow, Ah, Gosh, Unbelievable, I see.
These can be magic words when it comes to parent-teen communication. This is how this works: Imagine a mom and her teen are having a conversation, where Mom might be tempted to take charge of the conversation or disagree. With “The Power of Um” Mom is only listening and her child is encouraged to keep on talking! Read the script with a smile in mind…
“Mom, I went to the career center today at school.”
Oh.
“Yes, they have tons of cool stuff there.”
Really.
“They had books there about schools in India, and China, and Argentina.”
Wow.
“Yeah, and you don’t even have to have a good ACT score for lots of them.”
Hmmm.
“And the jobs people got out of those schools were fun!”
Ah.
“Jobs like elephant trainer, acrobat, snake charmer, and rug salesman.”
Gosh.
“So I think I’ve finally got a plan.”
Unbelievable.
The next time you find yourself in a challenging conversation, try to only listen at first, and remember the power of “um.”
Don’t stop your teen from talking, even if you disagree. The Power of Um prevents you from stealing the floor, jumping into a lecture, or from lashing out in anger. Listening more and talking less gives you a chance to understand the situation from your teen’s perspective. You’ll have time to think about the situation and act intentionally with calm wisdom.
The key to dialogue with your child? Listen more. Talk less.
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